#AskABlackChick: Why Do Black Women Say They Don’t Need A Man?

Big Joker NJ asks:

Ask A Black Chick Without a doubt, this has to be one of the top questions black men ask black women. Why do we act like we don’t need men or companionship? Don’t we know how crappy that makes men feel? Here’s what our community has to say:

Ashlee says:

From my experience, there are women from many races and ethnicity that feel they do not NEED a man in their life. I meet many women in my profession that feel like it would be nice to have a boyfriend/husband but it is not something they are actively and aggressively seeking. One of my white colleagues, who practices law, is very attractive and outgoing tells me all the time, “If it happens, it happens! How desperate would I look if I just went to bars begging for a date!”

I love my husband, but I can earn a living, breathe, think, eat and enjoy life apart from him. 

I love my husband, but I can earn a living, breathe, think, eat and enjoy life apart from him. I was not a lost cause before I met him; I had my own identity. In my opinion, any woman who places simply finding a man (any man) above anything else in her life isn’t someone that will excel in her studies, profession, social life or have a healthy relationship once she does find a guy worth her time.

On the flip side: I have also found that some women may only say that they don’t need a man to the men that they aren’t attracted to or interested in….so maybe this could be a hint… just saying.

Diana says:

I think when women go through a lot in their past relationships and in a repetitive manner, they end up getting tired of being hurt so they give up. It’s a protective wall they put up to stop getting wounded.  When your heart gets stabbed over and over again, anger, rage and disappointment take over and you try to protect yourself by any means necessary. Everyone puts up different types of walls: some develop a tough-like persona, others numb the pain with different kinds of addictive and self-destructive behaviors.

​Everyone puts up different types of walls. 

Sherri says:

I don’t need a man is a complicated phrase and I don’t speak for all black women. There is a difference between WANT and NEED. If a woman is saying I don’t NEED a man that does not necessarily mean she does not WANT a man.  For me, dating was not easy. For me, I don’t need a man was an affirmation to myself, so to speak, that made all the verbal, physical, and emotional abuse from a man disappear at that time.

For me, I don’t need a man was an affirmation to myself. 

It was a way for me to omit men from my life, so I could get on with my own. I don’t need a man did not mean I didn’t want the caring, empathetic, chivalrous nature of a good man, but it meant that if he never came along, I would be ok.

LaTicia says:

Simply put, there is nothing wrong with that statement made by a sober-minded, self-assured woman. When I said it, I meant that I did not need a man to make me feel complete, special, successful or loved.  I had found that for myself, outside of a relationship with the opposite sex.  Other races of women have not had to take on traditional male roles like the great grand-daughters of slaves have – our men were taken from our family units, our bodies were used and abused to bear more slaves AND provide for the other race’s babies, and we too were made to tend to the fields while the other races could just be – I mean, we’ve been doing it all for a long time – so, understand that this statement comes from a place of self-worth.  It’s really not about the man in the statement.

 I did not need a man to make me feel complete, special, successful or loved. 

I say it all the time, a king needs a queen.  That is two complete individuals, strong, self-assured, successful in their own right – they each have their own kingdoms and are now wanting to bring those two kingdoms together to build an empire.  That is the kind of woman a sober-minded, self-assured man should be looking for, in my opinion.  She wants you to know, unequivocally, that she has everything she NEEDS, but that she actually WANTS a man in her life to ADD to it.  Interestingly enough, that is why a lot of black women engage in relationships with men of other races who can handle the strength and just leave it be instead of trying to change, tame or control it.  If you are a king, you should know that empire building takes work and that there will be resistance if you are trying to take over something that is not rightfully yours like my independence, coins, time. Those things and the entirety of my being have to be freely given.

 If you are a king, you should know that empire building takes work. 

Comment below what you think. Are black women alone in feeling like a man is a want and not a need or is this an idea that covers women from various backgrounds, races, and cultures?

Join the community and have your voice heard here. Or ask an anonymous question here.

6 thoughts on “#AskABlackChick: Why Do Black Women Say They Don’t Need A Man?

  1. lifeofthecollegegraduate January 8, 2016 — 1:23 pm

    I agree with many of these statements, especially about the NEED vs WANT. I also think some black women may feel that they don’t need a man because of their upbringing. For example, maybe there was lack of a positive male influence in their home growing up which causes them to think this way. Great discussion!

    ~ Zeena


    1. I totally agree. I think, historically, the black household has been discouraged, disrupted, and torn apart since the days of slavery. That doesn’t just go away. Black women have had to emerge as the breadwinners, primary parents, technicians, and head of households since forever. I think I do NEED a man is just what it sounds like. I don’t NEED a man for anything but that doesn’t mean I don’t want one.

      It’s like that old saying “The only thing I need to do is stay black and die”.

      The black male ego, however, may be the real issue.

      Thanks for your input!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. This cannot possibly be about the black male ego. We are the most feared, most hunted, most unappreciated , unloved and unrespected men on the planet earth!!! With all of the negativity its amazing that we have an ego to speak of!!… However, I do agree that these behaviors are the effects of slavery. The black woman had been put in a position of authority in the black household as they split families and humiliated, tortured and killed the men! Beat us down infront of out families and made our women see us as weak!…meanwhile looking at the oppressor as strength and security!! So as a result of slavery and the simplifed assimilation of black women into their culture we as black males continue to be ridiculed by our own as well as others! In addition, the post was not about me being rejected personally by black women as suggested by one of tje responses. It was about things that i have been hearing from the mouths of woman that have brown skin but seem to think and act as if they were of a different race by the comments that are made and by the way the seem to revere men of other races oitside of their own..


  2. As a black Christian male, I think the statement does hurt our bw in general and has a lot do with how the woman is raised.. as a bible believing Christian, GOD said himself it was not good for the man to be alone.. so our own creator placed this need in us and helped us to recogonize the woman as a need for us ! So we need each other to procreate, to have intimate relationships with and of course to build a family. Now of course we can survive on our own without having a partner.. but to say you don’t need a man, No dear you will need a man for something in this life.. your daughters will grow up and they will want marriage at some point.. make sure you plant the right seeds in them


    1. I definitely think it can be a hurtful statement for men. I think it can be a double sided statement that. I don’t need a man, technically but I want him and can benefit from being with him as he can me. Depends on how it’s said and what is meant by it I suppose.


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