Big Joker NJ asks:
Without a doubt, this has to be one of the top questions black men ask black women. Why do we act like we don’t need men or companionship? Don’t we know how crappy that makes men feel? Here’s what our community has to say:
From my experience, there are women from many races and ethnicity that feel they do not NEED a man in their life. I meet many women in my profession that feel like it would be nice to have a boyfriend/husband but it is not something they are actively and aggressively seeking. One of my white colleagues, who practices law, is very attractive and outgoing tells me all the time, “If it happens, it happens! How desperate would I look if I just went to bars begging for a date!”
I love my husband, but I can earn a living, breathe, think, eat and enjoy life apart from him. I was not a lost cause before I met him; I had my own identity. In my opinion, any woman who places simply finding a man (any man) above anything else in her life isn’t someone that will excel in her studies, profession, social life or have a healthy relationship once she does find a guy worth her time.
On the flip side: I have also found that some women may only say that they don’t need a man to the men that they aren’t attracted to or interested in….so maybe this could be a hint… just saying.
I think when women go through a lot in their past relationships and in a repetitive manner, they end up getting tired of being hurt so they give up. It’s a protective wall they put up to stop getting wounded. When your heart gets stabbed over and over again, anger, rage and disappointment take over and you try to protect yourself by any means necessary. Everyone puts up different types of walls: some develop a tough-like persona, others numb the pain with different kinds of addictive and self-destructive behaviors.
I don’t need a man is a complicated phrase and I don’t speak for all black women. There is a difference between WANT and NEED. If a woman is saying I don’t NEED a man that does not necessarily mean she does not WANT a man. For me, dating was not easy. For me, I don’t need a man was an affirmation to myself, so to speak, that made all the verbal, physical, and emotional abuse from a man disappear at that time.
It was a way for me to omit men from my life, so I could get on with my own. I don’t need a man did not mean I didn’t want the caring, empathetic, chivalrous nature of a good man, but it meant that if he never came along, I would be ok.
Simply put, there is nothing wrong with that statement made by a sober-minded, self-assured woman. When I said it, I meant that I did not need a man to make me feel complete, special, successful or loved. I had found that for myself, outside of a relationship with the opposite sex. Other races of women have not had to take on traditional male roles like the great grand-daughters of slaves have – our men were taken from our family units, our bodies were used and abused to bear more slaves AND provide for the other race’s babies, and we too were made to tend to the fields while the other races could just be – I mean, we’ve been doing it all for a long time – so, understand that this statement comes from a place of self-worth. It’s really not about the man in the statement.
I say it all the time, a king needs a queen. That is two complete individuals, strong, self-assured, successful in their own right – they each have their own kingdoms and are now wanting to bring those two kingdoms together to build an empire. That is the kind of woman a sober-minded, self-assured man should be looking for, in my opinion. She wants you to know, unequivocally, that she has everything she NEEDS, but that she actually WANTS a man in her life to ADD to it. Interestingly enough, that is why a lot of black women engage in relationships with men of other races who can handle the strength and just leave it be instead of trying to change, tame or control it. If you are a king, you should know that empire building takes work and that there will be resistance if you are trying to take over something that is not rightfully yours like my independence, coins, time. Those things and the entirety of my being have to be freely given.
Comment below what you think. Are black women alone in feeling like a man is a want and not a need or is this an idea that covers women from various backgrounds, races, and cultures?