48 Ways To Not Be A Total Asshole This Holiday Season


Halloween is over and turkey day is around the corner which means the holiday season is upon us. This also means that everyone is on the brink of losing their damn minds and replacing them with a sense of entitlement and complete fuckery. But, it doesn’t have to be this way. You can enjoy holiday joy and cheer without acting like an asshole. Here are 48 ways to make it happen:

  1. Say please and thank you.
  2. Start your holiday shopping now; not 2 days before Christmas (or any other gift giving holiday that you celebrate).
  3. Remember, the retail associates are people too.
  4. Those associates also have families that they would like to go home to so avoid entering a store 5 minutes before closing with a laundry list of items to purchase.
  5. Don’t forget, the holiday season is not life or death.
  6. Understand that “the back” is not the 100 acre woods of back stock items. It is a black hole of half opened boxes and where dreams go to die.
  7. Gift wrap your items at home instead of holding up the line with your oddly shaped purchases that take 2 rolls of scotch tape to secure.
  8. If the store you are visiting has volunteers to gift wrap, tip them. You tip everyone else so why not them?
  9. If you see a sales associate in the bathroom (identifiable by a name tag or uniform) do not ask them anything. Even if they know the answer, it is rude. Everyone deserves an uninterrupted bathroom trip.
  10. Have your money or method of payment ready when you get to the line. You probably waited a good 5-10 minutes before getting to the front so you had more than enough time to pull your money out.
  11. Speaking of long lines, when it is your turn to pay and there are still 50 men, women, and crying children behind you, please do not use that time to ask about store memberships, credit cards, or rewards programs. DO NOT DO IT!
  12. Leave expired coupons at home. The answer is no.
  13. Remember this: The sales associate does not know your niece, daughter, friends, husband, or anyone that will be the receiver of this gift you are purchasing. They will give you generic advice based off of other customer’s likes and dislikes. Don’t expect more.
  14. Don’t be the asshole yelling for someone to open up another register. It’s the damn holidays. The sales associates are busy. Wait and shut up while you do it.
  15. If you have valid coupons or gift cards, have them out and ready. OUT & READY!
  16. Carefully read the return policy on the back of your receipts. Slowly and carefully. Break out a highlighter if need be.
  17. When in doubt, get a gift receipt. Even if you’re not in doubt, get them anyway.
  18.  If you are in the midst of a diet, keep that ish to yourself. I plan on eating all the cakes this holiday season and don’t want to hear about your diet goals.
  19. Please do not plan your events, i.e. weddings or baby showers, to happen on Christmas or Thanksgiving. It is truly rude and annoying.
  20. Oh, you don’t like Santa Clause and think it ruins the meaning of Christmas? Cool, but don’t shove it down other people’s throats.
  21.  Elf on the shelf is creepy but interesting. Deal with it.
  22. I do not, under any circumstances, want to see a picture of your tree.
  23.  If your office does a secret Santa and you choose to participate, bring your gifts on time. Don’t have some lonely person giftless on the exchange day.
  24. If you are not religious, but want to celebrate Christmas, do it and don’t explain it to me or anyone. Your life, your business.
  25. If you don’t believe in buying gifts for your kids on Christmas, cool. But don’t chastise others that enjoy it.
  26. Take those damn lights down before the spring time. No one wants to see Rudolf in your front yard next to the blooming perennials in April!
  27. Your job is having a potluck. This is not your chance to bring redemption to that gosh awful fruit cake you love. No one wants your fruit cake.
  28. This is a basic human how not to be an asshole but it is especially fitting for the holidays. Don’t park in the handicap spot. Even if it is the only spot for miles. Handicap people still need that spot more than you do.
  29. Please limit your food posts to about 2 per day on the holiday. More than 2 is repetitive and holiday food is just not photogenic.
  30. If your very original significant other proposed on Christmas or Thanksgiving, try to spare us the constant ring posts.
  31. Keep your Scrooge Grinch status updates to yourself. They are just bringing me down!
  32. On the flip side, reign in that excessive cheer.
  33. Refrain from asking the single folk about when they are going to settle down because clearly it’s not now!
  34.  Don’t pinch my cheeks. Face or otherwise.
  35. Either bring everyone a gift or no one. It will get quite awkward otherwise.
  36. If I go for seconds, let me go for seconds!
  37. Please ensure the wine is plentiful and the desserts are endless.
  38. Holiday dinners are not the time to hash out family drama. Save it for another time or let it go.
  39. Dear children, do not wake us up before 6:30 am. I stayed up late wrapping your gifts so 5 am is not going to work.
  40. Even if you are too old to believe in Santa, amuse us parents and make cookies with us to leave out with milk.
  41. Clean up the wrapping paper afterwards. I mean, come on!
  42. If your parents buy you socks, thank them for the socks.
  43. Give your parents a kiss on the cheek and thank them for choosing to save their money to buy your Christmas gifts instead of buying Chipotle everyday at work for lunch.
  44. If you get a terrible gift, smile, accept it, and move the hell on. It is not the end of the world.
  45. When in doubt, give a gift card. (If it’s for me, Target. Thanks)
  46. Don’t use “Let me speak to a manager” just because you can’t have your way and want to throw your glorious tantrum in front of a person that is higher up than the original sales associate. They will all laugh about your ridiculousness later.
  47. Planning on having a shopping marathon? Trying to hit 5-10 stores and find gifts for at least 20 people? Looking to find the perfect present no matter how long the lines are? Great! Leave your kids at home. No one wants to hear their sleepiness manifest into tears and throwing themselves on the floor.
  48. While I know that your Bedazzler is totally wicked, save those DIY gifts for less stressful holidays like National Best Friends Day.

Now go on and make this holiday season the best one yet!

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